mandyleigh0529

So, the last time I got on here was in November, right before my husband returned from deployment. I had gotten healthier than I had been in a long time and felt great. Fast forward 6 months later, and I put on those pounds lost and about 10 more to boot.  We are going home as a couple next week for the first time in 18 months, and I’m so embarassed and ashamed about where I’m at. We’re going to renew our vows, and I can’t help but worry what I’ll look like in those pictures. My husband deserves better than that; I deserve better than that! What really scares me is that I can’t seem to find the energy to even attempt to get back– to get myself back. I know being on here really helped me, especially because my sister and I were supporting each other. However, I couldn’t bear to log in again, because I would see that weight tracker and have to face what I’ve done to myself. Now, here I am, a little hopeless and 17 pounds heavier. I’m at the point where I’m totally uncomfortable in my own skin, and I know that it affects the way I move, feel, and even interact with people. My “fat clothes” are even tight. And for what?! Food and cocktails?! My husband is wonderful and supportive, and I’m so ashamed because I feel like I cheat on him with food. It may sound silly, but how else can you explain it when you choose something that ultimately makes you feel so bad about yourself that you close yourself off from the one you love the most? SO, all I can say honestly right now is that I want to start again towards health and happiness, and I realize that this site is a great tool in keeping me accountable, so I’m going to force myself to use it daily. I feel like I’m at the point of no return, so I pray that I’m successful. Thanks for listening…

Okay, so I’m one pound away from my mini goal and still feel focused. I’ve been very active, drinking lots of water, eating dinner salads, and taking the dog for long walks. I feel much better, happier, and am excited to finally see small changes in my body. I work at a charter school, and every Friday we don’t have students, so a few of us usually go out to lunch. I’ve tried the whole eat lunch and don’t eat dinner thing, and that really doesn’t work for me. I am a dinner person. I MUST have dinner to feel normal and satiated. So, we went to a Mexican restaurant today, and I decided to order what I wanted and just have 1/2 for lunch and 1/2 for dinner. I don’t feel like I’ve fallen off the wagon, and I may not even eat the other half tonight, but I feel better knowing there’s something in the fridge for dinner if I do want it, and I won’t feel guilty if I decide to. I feel this week served as a huge detox and refocusing. I feel like I’ve improved my relationship with food to a healthy one. I used to not be able to indulge beacuse those treats turned into “floodgate foods,” and I would follow that indulgence with every other thing I had resisted that week. Now, I don’t feel that way. I know that I will wake up tomorrow and keep going. It’s just refreshing to feel in control again. It’s been a really long time. SO, I’m going to go have a cocktail and celebrate my progress, and tomorrow I’m going to sit down and make a grocery list for my next week of yummy, healthy meals!

Okay, so let me start off by acknowledging that I am not extremely overweight. I understand that there are people who will look at my weight tracker and scoff. What they have to understand though is that I have been struggling with these 15 pounds for the last 7 years. Several years ago my husband was on recruting duty, and I was working full time and going to school full time. I went from 117 to 151 in about 2 years. The combo of grabbing convenient (and often unhealthy)  foods on the go and my husband’s late hours really took a toll on me. However, I am not one to complain and risk being viewed as the unsupportive military wife. SO, I internalized it. If I had been going from 6:00 that morning and came home to an empty house after school at 10:00 at night, a half pan of brownies made me feel better. This cycle continued, and I had reached my max weight before I even truly realized what I had done to myself.

We moved to Florida, and I recommitted myself to my health. I went on the South Beach Diet, worked out again, and my husband and I both had great schedules, so life was good. I got down into the mid 120’s and maintained for the 3 years we were there. I thought I had it all figured out again.

Now fast forward, and we have been in Arizona for almost 2 years. We came here looking forward to a new adventure out West, but we were met with stressful jobs, opposite schedules, and a town we didn’t like. I alleviated my frustration with second helpings and alcohol, and here I am again. My husband will be home in a month from deployment, and I really want to give him the wife he deserves. My husband is very vigilant about fitness, but he always makes me feel beautiful, no matter what the scale reads. I am in no way complaining about having a wonderful husband, but it doesn’t exactly light a fire beneath you when you’re husband says you’re sexy the way you are. But I’ve realized this is about ME. I’ve yo-yoed since he’s been gone, but I’m recommitting myself again today. I’m hoping that BuddySlim will give me the accountability that I need.

SO, here it goes. I would love to be 125 again. I gravitate towards healthy foods, but my vices are second helpings, carbs, and alcohol. Any advice, support, and words of wisdom would be appreciated. Thanks for reading, and good luck to you in your journey..

Food Log

Exercise Log